ah fuck i hate it when wordpress decides to change the editorrrr
[tws: brief mention of dysphoria, misgendering, caps, transphobia, food but v v v v brief & in that order]
i don’t like the name cynthia. Sometimes. mostly because it makes me dysphoric and whenever i think about people only knowing my name and not pronouns and that they’ll assume i’m female i kind of cry inside. and i blog a ton about knitting and ballet so even more assumption that i’m female ;-;
There’s also the question of using a pen name in writerlife/online because, y’know, safety & stuff.
Regarding transitioning, I don’t think i want to legally change my name. mainly because i feel like it’s a lot of hassle and
i’m too anxious rn to think about it at all rip
it’s also kinda sorta complicated because i also have a chinese name. my chinese name is 心怡 (xinyi, mandarin/mainland china, is it really a good idea to tell y’all this, I have given up on Internet privacy tbh, last name omitted), which is also traditionally feminine. it means happiness.
fun fact: my chinese nickname (小名) is 豆豆 (doudou). which means, approximately, bean. don’t ask. according to my mom, it’s also on the feminine side of names.
the greatest thing about chinese names is that due to the sheer enormity of possible name choices (you just take nice words and mash them together while making sure that it doesn’t sound like something gross), many many many of them are neutral. depending on the characters. of course i get landed with the most traditionally feminine one.
it’s also quite odd because cynthia is the go-to transliteration of xinyi for many people; way back when you could google my actual name and you would’ve found many, many people who are not me. my name is impressively unoriginal. my mom says that it would’ve been cindy except someone told her if i chose to be a doctor so i ended up with cynthia*.
* my sister has a much less interesting name story. my parents last-minute combed through names-starting-with-c lists
i feel like changing chinese names is a lot more complicated than changing english names, mainly because of the culture of respecting elders. so i feel like abandoning my name or honestly any name my parents gave me would be disrespectful of culture and stuff?? But at the same time because my parents are highkey transphobic they probably wouldn’t choose another name for me.
i can’t work like this give me back the old wordpress ;-; i’m so autistic
i feel like i want to use the name cae. short for caeden (the Real Author Name). which twitter tells me they pronounce kay and kayden, so if you have objections voice them now. i think i’ll stick with my actual last name: i’d have no idea what to change it to, for one. and as for chinese name, i have no idea. basically no one uses it and the most the ones who know it are transphobic so *shrug*
I have no idea how to go about implementing a change, though. do i start a new wordpress account (…welp)? a new blog (icecreamchocofreehaikus is… fairly crappy)? does that mean i have to change my tumblr username (coffeeinthevoid does have a food mention)? def. means i need a new email rip. more to come as this issue develops ™.