(that should totally be a book title or something)
I’m a dancer.
About three people on the internet know that about me. I do ballet (i occasionally pronounce this with the t at the end because I’m a rebel). Sadly this mostly makes me feel dysphoric. (if you’re completely confused why I’m dysphoric HERE *shoves post that like four people read [i still love you, thank you the four people who read it, rainbows]*)
Actually I didn’t realize it was dysphoria until a few weeks ago. I just thought it was a weird body image thing.
quick briefing on ballet: no i don’t do pointe,* yes it’s possible to do ballet without doing pointe, no i don’t intend on doing ballet professionally (re: pointe. while you don’t have to do it generally professional ballerinas are on pointe T_T) and i just do it because i enjoy it and it makes me less stressed. yes i can do my own hair (though it’s really short now and this is hard) (MANLY BUNS). yes i hate makeup.
* more drama in cynthia’s life: my dad doesn’t want me to do pointe b/c he says it’ll mess up my toes. if you know me on twitter (read: if you’re the two people who were online while i ranted about this), you know that my relationship with my dad is -1293719823719832712983719837198237193871293871293871293871. even though i don’t particularly want to do pointe, REALLY WHO’S GOING TO JUDGE ME BY MY TOES.
Today I was particularly masculine (i might generally lean more toward masculine-ness?) and i had dance class. Naturally, I thought WHY DON’T I BLOG ABOUT THIS.
And yes I KNOW, non-binary child doing dance. Let me take a moment to destroy this point(e*) for the people tempted to use it**: it’s totally possible for non-female people to do dance, it’s totally possible for me to do dance and not realize my gender for nine years (NINE?!?? IT’S BEEN THAT LONG!???!), it’s totally possible for me to not experience social/gender dysphoria until puberty. Go away i’m going to cry for a while and eat tea.***
* HA I’M SO BAD AT PUNS *WEEPS*
** probably no one would even bother to point(e) this out. dammit i’m just going to fill this with bad ballet puns aren’t i PLIE SAUTE JETTE TENDU OUIOUI BAGUETTE I CAN SPEAK FRENCH
*** i can toetally**** eat tea I’m going to do that right now
**** i’m crap at puns i’ll stop now
so many footnotes though T__T ANYWAY THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON’T READ MY BLOG
I want to come out to my ballet teacher(s). HOWEVER, POTENTIAL PROBLEMS:
1. There are practically no non-female persons where I dance. The only ones are incredibly young. There are, however, two male instructors. I don’t think either of them do ballet (AWK). This means I need to choose between changing rooms (probably will stay with the girls. my dance school does a dad’s dance for the show and adult males are terrifying).
2. I’d have to come out to my parents because I’d want to dress masculine-ly. Yes, there is a dress code. Girls = leotard and leggings, which makes me uncomfortable because large pectorals. Boys = SHIRT AND BLACK BALLET SHOES AND MANLY LEGGINGS. HOW COOL IS THAT I’M TOTALLY IN. Manly leggings = thicker, black, not see-through, manly.
ps. according to my dance school’s website i’m supposed to wear black jazz pants. ehhhhhh shush
I have no money, friends. I’d have to ask my parents to buy these for me, and they’d ask why, and I’d have to come out.
Though this is a great way of coming out to my studio? they’d figure it out and i wouldn’t have to say a single word (though i’d have to educate people about pronouns erpppp).
3. Since ballet at my level (i’ll just say i’m pretty high but i still suck [for my level k]) is hugely female-dominated, most the language my ballet teachers use is for girls and it’s going to take forever for them to adjust to gender-neutral language.
4. also i’m hella scared because some of the teachers there are old and probably still believe in the gender binary / might be transphobic ahhhhhhh
but i also don’t want to quit dance soooooo?!??!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?
Though I have problems with non-diversity in ballet. There are SO MANY WHITE PEOPLE (Misty Copeland exists though, she’s so good and i cry), including at my studio. esp. in higher levels, even though my area contains Large Amounts of Asians.
poss. reasons: asian parental pressure. school pressure. discomfort at being in room with only whites ™. discomfort with white teachers. (the ballet teacher i’ve had for the longest time is awesome though. she’s old and british and a magical flame-spitting feminist.)
(please don’t tell her i called her that.)
*SCREAMS OUT INTO VOID* DON’T LET YOUR RACE/GENDER/HEIGHT/EYE SIZE PREVENT YOU FROM BEING A BALLET PERSON. IT’S GOOD FOR YOU. :DDDDDD
Do you dance? Do you ballet? Am I the only existing person who still enjoys doing ballet? DO YOU LIKE MISTY COPELAND PLS DO
(edit / bonus for those who read to the end: i had a horrible time trying to publish this
wordpress, i set you to publish 22 minutes ago
— sinthea (@cynthiazeodd) October 15, 2016