A crash course in Norse mythology (with bad sound effects)

Also known as, Cynthia getting mad at the inaccuracies of Marvel.

edit: um apparently this is getting a lot of views from google? i honestly do not recommend this post. this is me rambling about the norse mythos. with bad sound effects. i got all this information from research online; i recommend norse-mythology.org a lot. it has in-depth, organized information that probably makes a lot more sense.

however, if you’re set on using this as a source, which i’m telling you is a horrible idea… this covers the creation myth and part of the how-ragnarok-aka-the-end-of-the-world-came-to-be myth. and a few of the gods. it’s very rambly. you shouldn’t use it. please work seo

/edit

Norse mythology is the mythos of the Vikings / Scandinavians / Northmen.* It is extraordinarily complicated and weird.

Screen Shot 2016-03-11 at 5.19.07 PM.png
Really. **

* spoke Old Norse, which is an incredibly annoying language. Like Norse mythology.

** Source: http://norse-mythology.org/tales/the-mead-of-poetry/ (This is probably my favorite site for Norse mythologic information)

~

Once upon a time there was a frost giant, and it laid in the ice that existed in the beginning of the world. When it sweated, it made more frost giants. And dwarves.

The frost giant somehow also lived on / near / somewhere by an ash called Yggdrasil. Or maybe it wasn’t even in the same universe until *SPOILERS*

Then a cow came along, and started to lick the ice. It uncovered a guy called Buri, who was the first Æsir, which is the name of one of the two tribes of gods.

Buri had a son called Bor, who married Bestla, who was a frost giant. They had three sons: Odin, Vili, and Ve.

Odin and his brothers killed off Ymir for unknown reasons. Then they took it and made it into the Nine Worlds***, somehow. Or something like that. I’m not really sure.

*** Asgard = Æsir, Midgard = humans, Jotunheim = jötunn (pl. jötnar if you want to get fancy and grammatically correct) (frost giants), Vanaheim = Vanir (the other tribe of gods, includes Frey, Freya, etc), Svartalfheim / Nidavellir = dwarves, Alfheim = elves, Niflheim = ice, Muspelheim = fire, Helheim = dead people.

***.1 Asgard, Midgard, Jotunheim, and Helheim being the ones people tend to care about.

Then they took pieces of wood and turned them into humans. WE ARE PIECES OF WOOOOOOOOOD *ding!*

Then Odin got a wife called Frigg. Then he got a whole lot of other wives. Frigg did not mind very much.****

**** polygamy.

Frigg had two sons, Thor and Baldur. Thor was not blonde and wields a hammer that other people can pick up (see Thrymskvitha — my retelling, some things aren’t in the actual myth). Baldur was not bald. He was the god of peace and happiness and things like that.

The Æsir: Odin, Thor, Frigg, Heimdall, Tyr, Baldur, Idun, Bragi, and probably a lot more that most people don’t care about. Including me.

Somewhere at this time, Odin met Loki, trickster god and Mischief Maker extraordinaire (you’re not allowed to use that. I’m using it), and they became blood brothers.

Getting mad at Marvel #1:

LOKI IS ODIN’S BROTHER. WHICH MAKES LOKI THOR’S UNCLE. THE NEXT PERSON WHO STATES OTHERWISE GETS A MISTLETOE SPRIG UP THE RIGHT NOSTRIL.

Getting mad at Marvel #2:

Loki’s last name is Laufeyarson.**** This is because of Old Norse (see *), which has declensions, which pretty much means that the ending of the word changes depending on its function in a sentence.

Laufey is a feminine strong noun (OH ALSO LAUFEY IS LOKI’S MOM. SHE’S A GIRL). Laufey’s == Laufeyar and Laufey’s son == Laufeyarson.

I could probably get more mad, but I won’t.

Loki had kids: Hel, Fenrir, and Jormungandr. Half-corpse lady, wolf, and serpent, respectively. Spelling differs: Fenrir = Fenris = Fenris Wolf. Jormungandr = Jormungand = Midgardsorm (Midgard’s Serpent) = Jormy. The Æsir were scared that they would bring about the end of the worlds and:

a) banished Hel to Helheim,

b) tied Fenrir up, and

c) trapped Jormy around Midgard. Hence the name Midgardsorm.

Many things happened after the Æsir met Loki. All incidents ended up pretty much like my profile picture:

make-him-fix-it
This is literally all that happens in Norse mythology.

Many such incidents later, Baldur started to have bad dreams. Odin was troubled by this and rode down to Helheim and asked a dead seeress to tell him the future. She said that Baldur would die.

Frigg freaked out at this, as everyone loved Baldur, and started making everything in the multiverse swear an oath saying that they wouldn’t hurt Baldur. But she forgot to make the mistletoe swear it. Loki noticed.

DUN DUN DUUUUN

So Loki made a spear out of the mistletoe and got Baldur’s blind brother to throw it at Baldur. Baldur died. The Æsir killed Baldur’s brother.

One day, Loki crashed a drinking party and told everyone that he’d killed Baldur while being drunk. He also insulted a large amount of the people there. Therefore, don’t be drunk.

The Æsir decided to hunt Loki down. They did this. Then they chained him to a rock underneath a venom-dripping snake FOR ALL ETERNITY

DUN DUN DUUUUUN

And he stayed there until Ragnarök, the end of the worlds, at which all chains break and the gods and dead people go to battle and

EVERYONE DIESSSS

~

On that note, our crash course in Norse mythology (with bad sound effects) is completed.

*ding!*

Getting mad at Rick Riordan #1:

Book: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard: The Sword of Summer.

a) Deaf people aren’t like that. They can’t realistically lip-read from everywhere. And understand swords. And you don’t read sign language, you understand it, and YOU CAN’T LIP-READ GOAT LIPS.

b) OKAY STOP WITH THE MYTH VOMIT

It would pretty much be all the myths strung together by a few sentences. No.

c) WHY ARE YOU INTRODUCING GODS WITH NO RELEVANCE TO THE PLOT. proof: Ullr and the goddess / giantess who pushed Baldur’s funeral pyre off the ground — WE DON’T CARE I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF THAT GIANTESS. We aren’t going to remember their name and you’re not in their POV and we’re not going to spend time with the character WHY ARE YOU GIVING IT TO US

WHY SHOULD MAGNUS REMEMBER THIS

*hem*

I do recommend: Runemarks / Runelight / The Gospel of Loki by Joanne Harris; American Gods / Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman; Eight Days of Luke by Dianna Wynne Jones. Also the D’aulaires Book of Norse Myths (the first one I read. I’m biased) and Myths of the Norsemen by Roger Lancelyn Green if you just want the mythology.

All are brilliant. American Gods is adult fiction and is really, really explicit. The Gospel of Loki is technically adult fiction but is much less so.

(Don’t read Magnus Chase it’s pretty much Percy Jackson and it makes me mad inside AND NOW YOU NEED TO GIVE ME YOUR RAISANSSS)

So… any books set in a mythologic world you love? like? dislike? hate? would not wish upon your worst enemy?

 

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10 thoughts on “A crash course in Norse mythology (with bad sound effects)”

  1. The Gospel of Loki is one of my favourite books of all time! I LOVE Norse Mythology and, whilst I do like the Marvel films, the whole Loki-is-Thor’s-brother thing makes me angry. And yeah, that flowchart pretty much sums it up. 😉

    Like

  2. I did like the flow chart. I am very rusty about the Norse gods, and only learned a little about them through reading Mum’s old Norse mythology from when she was at school. I know little of Marvel, but I do not think they could deal with this at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! I don’t know much about Norse mythology, only what I’ve seen from the media and this was really awesome to know! I had no idea Loki wasn’t really a son of Odin. And I LOVED that flowchart! XD I know more about Greek mythology, but then, that one is more widespread. I’ll totally have to look into those books!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had a lot of fun writing it (especially the sound effects), thanks!

      Greek mythology is really cool too. I feel like it’s the mythology in which you’re supposed to hate the gods because they’re such douchebags. Erp.

      And yes please read the books they’re really really good.

      Liked by 1 person

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